The 2012 Plan

There is all this new S360 new construction going on on my Franklin Blvd. $18,000 in free money for every new home buyer in any new home awaits them, and they are lining up.

On one hand, you've got a Federal government ready to spend billions they don't have to keep hundreds of thousands of people in their underwater mortgages. On the other hand, you've got a Federal government ready to spend more billions they don't have to marry new owners to new homes that might, just might, also become underwater mortgages.

What happens if, by 2010, these new homes all drop in price by...say...$18,000?

Well, that's not going to happen, says our government. It won't happen, because these policies are intended, are supposed, to keep an artificially high floor on home prices. The expectation is that these actions will contain the "awful, awful" consequences of a further 10%, 15%, or 20% reduction in home values.

My two co-workers, both having bough homes in April '08, got an $8,000 federal tax credit payable back over a 15 year term. That is, they got an interest free $8,000 loan for buying a house. Any co-worker who buys a house this April, April '09, would get $18,000 without having to pay it back, ever. I'm wondering...if this also fails to spur new home buying, let's imagine what the April's of the future would bring:

April 2010: In addition to the eighteen grand, buy a new house, and the federal government will include an extra added free complimentary bonus gift at no cost to the buyer: a classic deluxe custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass, and garden hose, in a genuine imitation leather style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim.

April 2011: Still having failed, the federal government will now directly tax home buyers who bought before 9/11/01 to finance a special fund to help high income borrowers with stellar credit (you know, those cash-hoarding bastards) buy used homes for investment.

April 2012: Still having failed, now if you buy a new house, the federal government will spring for a blow job for the husband and an electrical gadget for his spouse.

April 2013: Homebuyer programs are no longer necessary, following the phenomenal success of the 2012 plan.