Mortgage Burning Party

Today is the first Thursday of the month and I made my third to last housal unit payment this afternoon. Only two left.

It may come off odd, but I will admit that for the past eighteen years I have always enjoyed making my housal unit payment. I think it's because I fastidiously kept track of my mortgage -- it's something of an amusement to watch my balance decrease each month.

Since 1997 I've been keeping track of my finances via an Excel spreadsheet, and as a consequence I had my mortgage laid out before me each and every month. I'll go out on a limb and assume that the vast, vast majority of mortgagee's don't do this, and indeed, bury their heads in the proverbial sand regarding the amount of mortgage debt they carry. By doing so, they never actively attempt to reduce it, to pay it off faster, to remain cognizant of their obligations. They pay their minimum and get back to the NASCAR race on the HDTV, or, perhaps go out and finance that new GMC Yukon instead.

Fair enough.

There's no doubt that I cannot devote time and energy to any number of other things, either. Eliminating my mortgage has simply been a priority of mine for as long as I've been a housal unit owner, and it's taken dedicated, continuous, unwavering, constant, unyielding, fastidious and steadfast effort on my part to get where I am today. I gloat about it on this blog. I admit that. This is going to be a defining moment for me, this April, yes. I have no qualms about telling everyone I know how close I am to paying this thing off.

And I'm worried about the person I'll become afterwards.

What will become of me? Will I go blow my paychecks at Red Hawk (kreee-ee-ahhh) Casino? If I have nothing to pay off anymore, what will I gloat about? In some sense, the act of reducing debt has been an identifying trait, yet without debt I lose that identity.

This may seem completely absurd. I realize that. But I am what I am. I lose something that I've been focusing on for a dozen years.

Do you remember the show Eight Is Enough? I distinctly remember an episode where Tom Bradford (Dick Van Patten) throws a mortgage burning party. That was October 19th, 1977. I've had a burning party in mind for thirty four years. I have, since that time, thought about throwing my own mortgage burning party. But I also have reservations.

Is a mortgage burning party acceptable? Who do I invite? Will I get support and congratulations, or will it be muted hatred and jealousy? Am I just trying to show off against others my age who are still sitting on 6-figure balances? Are these in vogue these days? It is gloating? Is it showing off?

The truth is, had I ever been invited to someone else's burning party (and I haven't), I'm positive that would have lit a fire under my ass to pay off my mortgage even faster than I did. I see this as an opportunity to show others that this kinda thing is possible, even if it takes dedicated, continuous, unwavering, constant, unyielding, fastidious and steadfast effort.

These days, people throw parties when someone dies. I don't really think a mortgage burning party is all that odd, and if its construed as gloating, well, then some people can just decline the invite. I could see it as gloating if I hadn't paid every nickel of my mortgage myself. I didn't get an inheritance or a lottery windfall or paid it off via some other form of unearned riches. This was all my own effort. There's no gloating about that.

I have always thought about this. I've considered spending the equivalent of one month's payment on a party...this would throw a hecka good one. I thought about buying a good bottle of 1995 wine, the year I started my mortgage, and finishing it off at the party. Kobe beef, ostrich sausage, New Zealand lamb, homebrew and the best professional brews on the menu. I thought about exactly how I'd burn the papers -- I want to make sure I don't inadvertently burn my housal unit down in the process -- how ironic that would be.

I was perhaps thinking maybe I'd follow the old convention of drilling a hole in the newel post on my stairway, deposit the papers (or their ashes) in there, and then cap it with an ivory button, called the mortgage button. This will then be a reminder every day that this fucker is paid for.