Cyborg

The Sacramento News & Review's question of the week "What electronic device can't you live without?" was answered quite predictably by people on the street. Don't even have to list their answers, you can figure that shit out on your own.

The thing about their answers is that every one of them makes some sort of beeping noise...something that was totally absent thirty years ago. Today, we got pager alarms, computer POST beeps, microwave oven beeps, phone out of range alarms, cell phone message alerts, you're not wearing your seat belt harassment, no smoking in the cabin dings, watches that beep at the top of the hour, car alarm is activated alarm, smoke alarm on backup power warning, the light rail train is coming horn, the light rail train door is opening caution, the light rail train door is closing warning, the light rail train is leaving the station siren, the truck is backing up beeping, you're parked but your headlights are still on you moron alarm, hospital respirators, O2 sensor is disconnected warning, input not accepted alarm, the door is ajar...

And every last one of these drive me nuts. Beep overload. There are unintended consequences to technology. Being driven mad shouldn't be one of them.

You know, the best way to always remember to turn off your headlights, the best way, is to have forgotten it once. Never happens again, does it? No, instead of learning we get constantly harassed by incessant, annoying beeping.

To answer the question of the week, I couldn't live without my insulin pump. I am a true cybernetic organism -- someone kept alive by artificial means. Bet you can't claim that on your resume! But wouldn't you know it that that goddamn thing beeps at me more than any other device I own. Strapped to me for for everything I do save for getting wet and/or fornicating, this thing won't ever stop beeping at me: low battery alarm, weak sensor alarm, blood sugar out of range alarm, blood sugar calibration needed alarm, low reservoir alarm, no delivery alarm, pump suspended alarm, bolus max exceeded alarm...I'm tired of this shit!

Look -- our lives are immeasurably improved by these things, sure...my life is clearly improved due to insulin pumping...but all this noise pollution is taking its toll on me. I stopped using my continuous glucose monitoring system these last few days because of all the continuous alarms. If the pump manufacture would just let me shut that fucking thing up instead of having to shut it down, man, what sweet release that would bring. Let me decide if I want alarms goddamnit! This sorta thing is going to drive me back to silent syringes and vials.

I don't need a microwave oven to let me know my coffee is waiting, waiting, waiting,...what's the worst that could happen if I left it in there, huh? No. I go to the can in the morning and every minute I'm in there the microwave is beeping at me, mocking me, making nature rush when she shouldn't be rushed.

I know my last moments on earth aren't going to be pleasant. The lung disease, from all that bicycle commuting along side Franklin Blvd. vehicles, will have reached a point where I'm hospitalized for my final days. I won't hear the wind through my trees, my wife's comforting words, my children's hopes. No. I'll get to listen to the respirator beep until my dying breath and my insulin pump's incessant beeping...