The Pirates Of Labrador

WalMart has moved from 10.5% to 11.3% market share in Merika's $3 trillion retail market over the last year. And their best days, according to the company, are still ahead of it.

Over one tenth of all toasters are bought there. One out of every ten pillows, bedspreads, belts, handbags, CDs, baseball gloves, razor blades, car seats, pendants, Game Boys, action figures, eyeglasses and luggage cases are bought there.

A 0.8% market share growth in one year. So in less than a hundred years my prediction of a single national retailer will be realized. Remember my vision of the future -- a lady will drive her vehicle twenty seven miles to the 6 million sq ft sole consumer repository in her town. While her car is loaded onto the conveyor belt she can get on her own personal conveyor belt and conduct her consumptive activities without all that bothersome walking. Send her kids into the central WalMart theatre so she's not bothered by disobedience. Her kids are provided their own WalMart gift cards so that following the movie they are paraded through a maze of 37" retail shelves (child friendly) loaded with merchandise based on the movie theme -- stuffed dinosaurs for the new Jurassic Park XLVIII movie, plastic swords for the new Pirates of Labrador movie, now that the Sea of Labrador is a balmy 83 degrees due to global warming.

Just because there's only one retailer doesn't mean direct advertising isn't still a necessity in American merchandising. The lady will still have to choose from the two oily-hair shampoos that marketing majors in Bentonville decided shall be offered. There are several Chinese hair care product suppliers, yes, but only two of them have been found to contain less that the governmental standards for banned substances. WalMart has always been concerned with her safety, and especially with her child's safety. Only one baby shampoo meets their stricter, quality assurance standards, so that's all the lady will get. She recalls her childhood -- vague memories of her grandparents telling her how they had choice. What a strange world that must have been, she thinks, as the same baby shampoo she grew up with is self-loaded into her hands-free motorized cart.

WalMart, while holding 99.78% market share in 2109, employs somewhat less than 99.78% of all America, however. They've successfully implemented employment practices, completely legal, mind you, that allow for nine in ten employees to be considered full-time dependent contractors. How do you think their slogan, Save Money...Live Better, has been the same for the past century? Save money by saving on personnel costs. Live better through living with massive volumes of cheap foreign shit.

Never mind the fact that a chronic third of America is un- or under-employed, they are all still saving money, they are all still living better thanks to the sole retailer. Sam would be so proud.