My Walk Of Shame

I consider myself a sub-optimal Elk Grovian as I do walk around my city from time to time. I don't just do it for recreation, or just to give the dog some recreation -- no, I actually walk to work. There's some utilitarian purpose going on here.

To be honest, I walk to the bus stop a few times a week. It's my Walk Of Shame. I ensure my gaze doesn't exceed the horizon, my shoulders are slumped, back hunched, and I lurch aimlessly with seemingly no purpose. This way, I fit in with all the other chowderheads who can't afford to participate in the Elk Grove Compulsory Motoring Program.

When the bus drops me off in the afternoon, I get to traverse Big Horn Blvd on foot, a four lane collector road with no houses on either side. No, this road houses only motor vehicles. But I cross on foot at the crosswalk, at the intersection of Frye Creek.

Now, any Elk Grovian motorist who comes upon this intersection has all their needs taken care of by the city transportation planning department. All motorists have their needs services in due time, as they have certain expectations about when the light will turn green for them.

However, as a pedestrian...I approach the intersection and I have no idea 1) if the walk signal will be given to me automatically, 2) if I have to push the button, 3) how long I have to wait in either event, and 4) how much time will I be given to navigate the intersection.

With all this uncertainty, how long should I expect to stand there until I just say fuck it and decide to jaywalk? 30 seconds? 45 seconds? Did I push the button hard enough? Is the button even working? What if it ain't working, should I attempt to bolt across the road? If it ain't working and I bolt, will the light stay green long enough so I don't get plowed over? Look -- even apes know when to cross the road...when there's no traffic:

Why not give me a timer, after I push the button, telling me how much time I have to wait until I am allowed to walk? Any problem with that? Use the same damn timer!

But if Elk Grove did that...think about it. Suppose I pushed the button, only to find out I've got 175 seconds until the light will change (there's a lot of cross traffic that day). What then? Should I expect to have to stand there like a damn idiot holding my three cold babies for that much time? No -- I'd say fuck it, I'd jaywalk, I'd get hit, then I'd sue the city for forcing me to stand an unreasonable amount of time and pin the blame on them. I'd likely win, too. A juror might conclude "Hey, that could have been me. That could have been me having to wait that long, and no way could I take it," and sympathize.