Fast & Painful

My son the other day mentioned a concern of his about working a 35-year career at Union Pacific. His understanding is that a large percentage of retirees die within a few years after retirement due to lung afflictions or cancers that spread from the lungs. Anything to do with the surfeit of diesel particulates released from the Roseville yard?

My mom said the air around here is plenty good. And as I head outside right now to potty the dog, I concur. It sure seems plenty good to me. But I am prescient -- I already know how I'm going to die. From lung failure. And it will hopefully be fast and painful.

I am smart enough to know that dying fast and painlessly is not probable. And I certainly don't hope for a slow and painful death. So I split the difference and ask that it be fast and painful. I can accept this. Shit, the only exercise I get is pedaling up and down Franklin Blvd. in traffic. While all the drivers are breathing the same pollutants, they aren't breathing as heavily as I am. Deep down, I'd bet my lungs are heavily damaged already...so I think lung failure is imminent. Although I'm diabetic and statistically I should die sooner of kidney or heart failure, I'm preparing my lungs to fail sooner by biking to work...not to mention the higher probablility of a car-bike fatality. So it is.

I consider fast and painful anything less than, say, 20 hours. I will accept any pain, especially one that's gonna kill me, for 20 hours but no more. So if I'm wrong about the lung failure, 20 hours gives me a range to accept any of a number of fast and painful fates: hit by a bus, mauled by a cougar, rammed by an enraged motorist, massive heart attack, bleeding compound fracture, massive stroke, drowning, or electrocution.

My Muslim co-worker Khondakar is a bit taken aback of my prediction. This is something that only God decides, he says. Well, ok. Here's to hoping that He grants me a fast and painful exit.