The Withered Leaves

Wa-hey! Elk Grove High School gets the honor of a visit by a Real American Hero -- NASCAR driver Robbie Gordon.

Really. Do you really think that some C- average high school senior is somehow going to suddenly spring up and realize he's been fuckering away his last 6 years in middle/school all due to some 35-minute paid-for-speech by a guy who makes consecutive left hand turns at a high rate of speed for a living? Really?

I wonder why Robbie Gordon was invited. Why not Kyle Busch? -- recently arrested for 128mph in a 45mph zone. Kyle would be a far superior motivational speaker at EGHS. Who wouldn't like to not be arrested and not have their license suspended after driving 3x+ the speed limit, huh? I'm pretty sure every damn senior at Elk Grove high, that's who.

I will read the first two minutes of speech notes as prepared by Kyle that would have been delivered, had he not been cockblocked by driver Robbie Gordon delivering his speech here in our small, humble village:

"Greetings, Elk Grove High! This is a day of national consecration. And I am certain that although I've had four vodka martini's just prior to taking this dais that I will address you with a candor and a decision which the present situation of my NASCAR career impels.

"This is preeminently the time to speak the truth, frankly and boldly. Nor need we shrink from the honesty facing restrictions on our ability to speed today. The ability to drive recklessly will endure, as it has endured, and will revive and prosper.

"Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is not fear itself -- it's those godforsaken CHP pigs -- nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terrorists which paralyzes our need for speed. In every dark hour after beating the wife that we are not allowed to drive 3 times the speed limit simply to relax and calm down, a leadership of frankness and of vigor has met with that understanding -- we ought have the right.

"We face common difficulties. They concern, thank God, only material things such as a fast car that will shit-n-git with 20" rims and a pimpin' sound system that King George himself would find worthy. Values have shrunk to fantastic levels; taxes have risen; our ability to pay has fallen; government of all kinds is faced by serious curtailment of income; the means of exchange are frozen in the currents of trade; the withered leaves of industrial enterprise lie on every side; farmers find no markets for their produce; and the savings of many years in thousands of families are gone. More important, a host of unemployed citizens face the grim problem of existence, and an equally great toil with little return. Only a foolish optimist can deny the dark realities of the moment.

"But I ain't no fool, fool! I know how to drive fa-fa-fast! You shouldn't limit my right to drive 128 through your simple 45! My citation comes from no failure of substance. I'm stricken by no plague of locusts! Compared with the perils that our forefathers conquered, because they believed and were not afraid, I have much to be thankful for. I didn't die like #3 -- plenty is at my doorstep!"

And so it goes here in NASCAR inspired Elk Grove. And so we will graduate several hundred drivers who will think Franklin Blvd. as their own private drag strip, as Robbie Gordon's message sinks in...