Promenade Parking

One thing of interest about our Elk Grovian Promenade Mall is that the parking lots are about 98% complete, while the buildings themselves remain years away from completion. Therefore, tomorrow I will offer an economic proposal to the city council, asking them to spend money they don't have to finish the parking lots. This should breathe new life into our city.

Parking at the mall takes up more space than the whole array of buildings at the mall. In fact, if you were to take the surface area of just the mall's parking lots you'd easily fit all of Old Town Elk Grove into it. Something of that size and something so close to completion should be allowed to be used by today's public and would 'jump start' our ailing economy.

My new start-up company, Insania Paving, will submit a bid to get the parking lots finished, which will give our misguided citizens a place from which to admire all that Elk Grove could have offered. 123,000 square feet of hot-mix asphalt and beautiful thermoplastic white line markings, and a correctly scaled chain link fence instead of that existing cheap-looking rent-a-fence, perhaps with two layers of concertina wire on top to keep out trespassers. Of course, Insania Parking Management Corp, the wholly owned subsidiary of Insania Enterprises, will provide for the security and the staffing necessary to maintain the parking lots and to service the self-pay kiosks needed to charge people to park there. It will cost $3.50 for unlimited parking, a bargain compared to other regional surface parking lots.

"A parking lot like the one I propose will be perfect for Elk Grove, a city whose citizens are 100% beholden to their vehicles, and to give people who decide to come to Elk Grove from elsewheres an exquisite acre of asphalt to admire," says Insania, who has owned and operated Insania Paving for the past fourteen minutes.

Elk Grovian mayor Sherman praised the parking lot development idea as a "giant step forward," noting that the development of more surface parking will ensure that part of Elk Grove does not take any giant steps forward.

The proposed white markings will be laid out in a unique diagonal pattern. Although the parking schedule calls for 5,125 stalls, it is not expected to reach more than 15 percent capacity, "guaranteeing everyone close access to the historic and numerous missed opportunities of Elk Grove," adds Insania.

Notes Insania: "I know that the Elk Grove Promenade Mall was possibly the last economic straw, that the city might have actually landed a project that would have helped revitalize that part of the city and the city's image. But thankfully, with GGP having fallen apart, with Barnes & Noble, Macy's, Cinemark and the six national restaurants pulling up stakes, and with my parking lot proposal on the table, I can help ensure that Elk Grove remains a run-down, wind-swept, weed-choked, washed-up shit hole for many years to come."